Does This Sound Familiar?

Your child is happily watching TV on the couch. You come home from the shop and offer him some ice cream. Instead of chocolate flavour, you got vanilla. Your child really wanted chocolate that day. He expresses his dissatisfaction which soon escalates to crying. His voice gets louder no matter what you say to comfort him. You get frustrated and tell him to go to his room. He screams back and starts kicking and throwing things. You both end up in tears. What seems like a small thing quickly turns into a full-blown meltdown.

As a parent, this can feel exhausting, upsetting and frustrating. You may find yourself wondering:

Why is this happening to me or my child?
What am I doing wrong / what am I not doing?
Why does it feel so hard and overwhelming?
How can I better support my child?

As an ANZACATA Registered Professional Art Therapist, I work with many children who experience big emotions and difficulties with self-regulation. While on the surface, meltdowns can sometimes seem like defiance, manipulation or “bad behaviour”, they are often a sign that a child’s nervous system is overwhelmed and is struggling to cope. In this article, I wish to unpack what lies beneath the behaviour, and explore strategies to support them both at home and in therapeutic settings.

Understanding the nervous system
The hidden cost of masking among neurodivergent children
Connection first, reasoning later
The power of co-regulation
Embodied healing and the felt sense

Understanding the Nervous System

For some children, when they experience distress, fear, anxiety, overwhelm, sensory overload, perceived threat and/or sense of injustice, their nervous system can rapidly shift into survival mode. This is commonly referred to as the “fight, flight or freeze” state, whereby their thinking brain is offline, making it difficult to rationalise or reason. Children in this state may:

Scream, cry, say things like “I hate you” or even get physical (fight)
Run away, hide or refuse demands (flight)
Shut down, become withdrawn or appear “frozen” (freeze)

What’s important to remember is that the child isn’t choosing to behave this way. Their nervous system is hijacking their body and signalling that they are under threat. Offering your child empathy and compassion in the moment regardless how irrational the meltdown may seem may help you shift the perspective from “what’s wrong with my child?” to “what is my child trying to tell me through this behaviour?”

Remember, “kids do well if they can” (Dr. Ross Greene).

The Hidden Cost of Masking among Neurodivergent Children

For many neurodivergent children (e.g. autistic children, ADHDers and AuDHDers), they often spend a lot of energy navigating a world that is designed for neurotypical brains. During an average school day, they may be:

Attempting to understand confusing social cues and situations
Suppressing their need for stimming (or be told off for stimming)
Trying to concentrate and learn
Dealing with unpredictability and changes (which may seem overwhelming if they prefer order and routine)
Experiencing sensory overwhelm (e.g. too loud, too bright)
Masking their true selves to “fit in” and comply

Imagine trying to juggle all of these demands and more, while their brains are still developing and learning to regulate emotions, home may be the only “safe place” where they can unmask and be themselves. As such, parents often find their children to be “well behaved” at school but go through numerous meltdown episodes at home.

If this resonates with you, instead of seeing your child’s behaviours at home as a problem, perhaps it is an indicator that your child feels safe at home to unmask. In turn, there is an opportunity to support your child to identify safe and alternate ways to connect, release and regulate. Prolonged masking without providing them with a safe space to unmask and regulate may lead to burnout.

Disclaimer: This article is not asserting that all emotional meltdowns are attributed to neurological differences or being tied to a specific diagnosis. However, it is important to understand that neurodivergent children are often experiencing additional load to cope with a world that is not designed to support their needs.

Connection First, Reasoning Later

As grown adults, it’s often natural to default to reasoning with a child using words in the middle of a meltdown episode. You may try to explain, problem solve and lecture. Unfortunately, when your child’s nervous system is already feeling overwhelmed, more words may exacerbate it further. Imagine trying to reason with a newborn baby why they shouldn’t cry when they are hungry.

Instead of trying to correct the behaviour, start with connection and safety. This may be comforting words that acknowledge their feelings (e.g. “I know you are feeling really upset right now”, “I am here with you”). For some children, physical connection through a hug may also help them feel safe and connected. Once they feel safe and regulated again, you may want to work with them to unpack, problem solve and reflect in a non-judgemental, curious and collaborative manner.

Connection forms the foundation for regulation.

The Power of Co-Regulation

Children are not born with the ability to self-regulate emotions. One powerful and fundamental approach for children to learn to regulate is through relational attunement and co-regulation.

When the parent is calm, warm and present with a distressed child, the child’s nervous system can slowly return to a sense of safety. So what might this look like?

Noticing the state of your own nervous system and engage in grounding strategies necessary so you feel regulated first!
Speaking in a calm voice
Slowing down your breathing
Minimising words or asserting extra demand on the child’s cognitive load
Offering physical connection (e.g. hug) if appropriate
Reducing sensory stimuli (e.g. noise)
Offering unconditional positive regard with reassurance, authentic and empathy
Siting in the discomfort with your child rather than trying to fix or dismiss their feelings

Is it harder said than done? Absolutely! Often parents tell me they understand what they need to do, but in the moment they struggle to remain calm themselves. This is no one’s fault and it is perfectly natural. However through noticing and taking care of your own nervous system, you in turn provide your child with an anchor when they are in a state of distress, and help to model a healthier alternative when feeling overwhelmed.

Why Embodied Healing Matters

Healing and regulating the nervous system are not something we can learn through words alone. We need to:

Experience the felt sense in our bodies
Rewire our neural pathways through repetition and consistency
Build and strengthen our inner resources
Expand our window of tolerance

Embodied healing approaches help children regulate through creativity, sensory engagement, movement, and co-regulation.

Until I became an Art Therapist, I did not understand the meaning of embodiment. I still remember the first time when I truly felt a sense of “safety” and “calm” was during a sensorimotor art therapy (Clay Field Therapy) session. My hands were packed inside 10 kilograms of clay, my eyes were closed, and I felt an indescribable sense of serenity. To this day, I carry that felt sense with me.

Sometimes children need additional support to build capacities around emotional regulation. In creative art therapy, children can explore feelings, cultivate emotional intelligence, develop coping strategies and experience a sense of mastery and control in a safe and support manner. Sensorimotor art therapy in particular helps children to repair developmental ruptures, experience embodied feelings of safety and regulate their nervous systems.

Recommended Resources

In my experience working with children struggling with emotional regulation and meltdowns, the ones with the biggest shifts are supported by parents who want to know how to support their children, rather than fix their children. Two of my favourite books I like to recommend to parents are:

The Whole Brain Child by Daniel Siegel and Tina Bryson (ISBN 978-0553386691); and
The Explosive Child by Ross Greene (ISBN 978-0063092464).

If this article resonates with your situation, or you would like to find out how Cerulean Space can help to support your child and your family through art therapy and/or Clay Field Therapy, please do not hesitate to Contact Us.

My Child has Meltdowns All the Time